The Crossover Episode I Didn't Know I Needed

When I was in middle school, I used to lure my Asian-American best friend for sleepovers with the snacks my house was always stocked with and then with the pushiness level of an MLM rep, trap her into watching an Indian movie. Soon, she became hooked on Bollywood, even jamming to the music and fangirling over the celebrities. These are some of the warmest memories of my adolescence and looking back, I realize the purpose of making her sit through three hours of choreographed songs, cheesy meet-cutes, and fight scenes that defy physics was not to obnoxiously dump my interests on her, but to open up a part of me that was normally hidden. When you're accustomed to code-switching constantly between outside world vs. home, it is incredibly healing to invite someone to the overlapping space and see them react with excitement instead of rejection. I got to experience this on a deep level when I took my Persian-American husband to India and watched him genuinely embrace my birthplace, family, and culture as if he was ecstatic to be included in it, not just obligated to participate.

Over the course of our nine year relationship, Miad has experienced everything from Bollywood movies to evil eye removal rituals. Yet, when we started to plan our first trip to India this summer, I started worrying about how well he would fit in there and if he would change my relationship with my extended family. Even though I grew up in the United States, I still identify very much with my Indian roots due to the formative years I spent there and one of my major fears about marrying outside of my culture was that this part of me would get lost over time.

While my parents and family in the U.S. have fully embraced Miad, visiting India was going to be a completely different situation. Our plan was to spend a week sightseeing and then stay at my family's house for two weeks with my grandma, aunts, and uncles - some of whom don't speak English. To add another layer of complication, my parents were not joining this trip so it was going to be my first time navigating India solo. I was concerned about everything from whether the climate would be uncomfortable for him, if he would find the transportation stressful, if he would get tired of eating with his hands, etc. On the flip side, I was equally nervous on behalf of my family. Since ours is the first mixed marriage in my family, this was all completely uncharted territory for all of us. Generally, South Indian dynamics with son-in-laws were already quite formal and I come from a family of quiet introverts, so I didn't know how they would react to Miad's naturally boisterous personality.

Once we finally made it to India, these anxieties started disappearing one by one as I observed the way Miad ended up enjoying all of the things that I expected would be a culture shock. He learned to drive an auto-rickshaw, happily ate dosa for back to back meals, stood in crowded lines at temples, and negotiated gold prices, all while unabashedly speaking the few Tamil words in his vocabulary.

Bringing Miad also resulted in me experiencing India in a different way than what I was used to. He openly asked questions about my family members that led to old stories and pictures that I hadn't been aware of. He even convinced them to let us venture out on our own one night - something I had never been allowed to do in previous visits. My grandma and aunt, who were shy and formal with Miad on the first day, fully opened up in showing their goofy sides by the end. In a strange and unexpected way, bringing someone from "outside" into our family and culture ended up bringing me even closer to my roots.

As an added bonus to this whole trip, we were able to take advantage of a long layover in Singapore on our flight back to revisit another chapter of my life. I expected to feel emotional as I was returning after 25 years, but after walking from our old apartment building to my Kindergarten with a Milo milkshake in hand and visiting the temple where I went to Sunday School, it was all so surreal I wondered if I was in a fever dream. Even though 12 hours was nowhere near enough time to cover everything I wanted to see, there was one thing that was on top of my Singapore bucket list.

My family in Singapore circa 1999

For years I had been raving to Miad about Ice Kachang my favorite dessert, but it wasn't very easy to find in the U.S. and usually a let down. So now that I finally I had the opportunity to show him the real deal, we decided to wrap up our day in Singapore with Ice Kachang. I took one bite and instantly felt my eyes well up. A few more bites and I was fully sobbing. As Miad attempted to reassure me that the concoction of red beans and shaved ice did indeed live up to all the hype, the stranger sharing the table with us started eating impressively fast to exit the scene asap. Despite my aversion to public displays of emotion, I couldn't stop. I struggled to articulate this intense wave of emotions I was suddenly feeling. I had just said goodbye to my family in India less than 24 hours ago and now I was suddenly in the middle of my childhood eating my favorite dessert but with my husband and in another 24 hours I would be back in our apartment attempting to resume our normal life. It all felt like a bizarre cross-over episode of my different worlds.

At one point in my life, it was very important to me to be with someone who came from the same background as me, but as Miad and I got to know each other, I realized that sharing values was more important than sharing the same nationality. Someone might seem like a good match on paper but end up being completely incompatible and similarly, someone who checks none of the boxes could bring out the most authentic version of yourself. At the end of the day, all I really needed was someone who would appreciate my grandma's ghee-roast dosa as much as I do and cry over an Ice Kachang with me. Taking Miad to India and reliving my childhood was the crossover episode of my life that I didn't realize how badly I needed. It's not race, horoscope, or common interests that leads to contentment in a relationship - it's completely understanding and accepting someone as they are.